Aries: Excited for your birthday this month? You should be! Good things are coming soon.

Taurus: You’ve probably been SWAMPED this semester. Don’t expect it to end any time soon. My condolences.

Gemini: Ah yes, the twins. Are you by chance interested in double-majoring? If so, go for it!

Cancer: If you have been working out at the Wellness Center or Krise Fit, you will see results SOON. Get those gains. 

Leo: Stop pulling all-nighters. They don’t actually help you get better grades.

Virgo: Have you considered relaxing, like, ever? I recommend going to Gaming Club or Dungeons and Dragons Club to escape for a while.

Libra: Be extra quiet in the library this month. Someone could overhear you and use what you say against you.

Scorpio: Scorpios tend to be very introspective and emotional. The Zen Den (open 8am – 4pm in the upstairs of the Union) could be a nice quiet place to contemplate and brood.

Sagittarius: Ever thought about taking a hike to the reservoir? This would be the time to do it with the warmer weather.

Capricorn: Consider adding a minor in business. It could be really useful for you.

Aquarius: Get out and have fun by supporting spring sports this semester!

Pisces: Caf gut is brutal…sorry.

*These horoscopes are entirely satirical and should not be taken as legitimate advice. Like the title of this section says, this is just for fun.